Lord of the Rig

Electrophysiologists are superstitious people that perform elaborate rituals to keep their rig functioning optimally.

All cultures are rife with superstition. People believe in omens and that some far-off objects can determine their mode and fate, whether it be the black cat or the number 13. But we rarely consider the possibility that scientists may also be superstitious. After all, they are thought to be unbiased, emotionless, and fact-based beings. You couldn't be more mistaken if you believed that, though!

In particular, electrophysiologists are notoriously superstitious. These researchers monitor the electric currents and membrane potentials in neurons using a variety of precise devices. There are over 100 different ways that the approach, which makes use of numerous delicate devices, could go wrong and completely sabotage the experiment. The instruments are sensitive to all electronic devices in their vicinity, the power cycles from the AC power supply, humidity and temperature in the room, the alignment of the stars, what day of the week it is…you name it! Simply put, the instruments have a mind of their own. The poor electrophysiologist spends more than half the time dancing to the whims and fancies of these instruments, trying to get some data or the other.

The holiest of shrines: the electrophysiology room

Electrophysiologists are particularly protective about their electrophysiology equipment as a result of all these problems. They like to work in isolated, dim areas of the lab, avoiding all social interactions when they are at their most productive. The electrophysiology gear is housed in a secure shrine that must always be revered. A lot of tape, wires, cables, and aluminum foil are used to embellish this shrine. Without the electrophysiologist's express consent, entering this shrine will result in dreadful vengeance. If you reach out to touch something, you'll probably give the poor fellow a heart attack!

Like a mouse performing elaborate actions to receive a reward, every electrophysiologist has their own set of complicated rituals that they believe will boost their chances of obtaining high-quality data. Most of these methods do in fact ensure that the tools and solutions are in the finest possible shape. But sometimes, electrophysiologists get carried away. One individual would clean a clogged syringe (used to fill the pipette with recording solution) 21 times, neither less nor more. They responded simply when asked why, "Because it works!" Additionally, I have observed totems placed above the rig to fend off evil.

My own attempts to please the 'Lord of the Rig'

When I started on my journey as an electrophysiologist, among all the training I got, my mentors also told me of certain practices bordering on superstition. One mentor told me never to work on weekends, because I will never get data on those days. I found it very hard to believe. But during one of my more desperate times, I decided to get a few extra hours of work done on the weekend. It did not work out. I returned home frustrated and empty handed, vowing never to try electrophysiology on the weekend.

I've also grown to be highly superstitious over the years; after spending hundreds of hours and many sleepless nights trying to figure out why my experiments failed. I've come to understand, like my well-intentioned lab mates, that the rig is an entity that must be pleased at all times. I like to call it ‘The Lord of the Rig’.

The Lord of the Rig, in my opinion, is keenly aware of our own state of mind, particularly our desperation. It decides not to help when you need it the most, much like a naughty poltergeist. Because of this, we never let it know that we are conducting a crucial experiment. Deadlines are seldom discussed in the electrophysiology room. The ideal way to begin any experiment is to enter with a casual air, as if you are simply trying your hand and seeing what happens.

Electrophysiologists form a cult

In essence, being an electrophysiologist is equivalent to joining a cult. You have to submit to and appease a terrifying creature. To get rewarded, you must also adhere to a number of mysterious traditions. And you only associate with fellow electrophysiologists because only they can understand your pain.

Disclaimer: This article is satirical and not meant to demean my fellow electrophysiologists. There is also no real cult of electrophysiologists.